What the Jehovah's witnesses witnessed.

Ding dong……….ding dong “UCH WIT”. There’s me 18, lying in ma pit on my day off with a pint of water trying to quench the drooth from last nights bevvy session at the Redhurst Hotel in Giffnock. My Ma & Da are oot & I’ve got the Orbs ‘Blue Room’ on full belt & it’s a scorcher outside. Ding Dong “Awe RIGHT Awe RIGHT” I jump outa bed & bolt downstairs to answer the door.

As I open the front door I’m greeted by two wee woman with a tartan trolley parked at the end of the driveway. “Good morning isn’t it a gorgeous day?” as I agree I clock the Watchtower magazines they're clutching, Christ on a bike it’s the Jehovah mob. These people never take a telling I slip in the old Catholic card but their intent on turning you & they keep you standing there for ages as they preach. “Is Christ in your life?” Am in for the long haul here I can feel it. But then there’s a change of pace , that pace being a 'full stop'. The other wee woman cuts in “anyway thank you for your time” and turns away grabbing the other auld yin & she is now looking skyward am thinking for devine intervention. “Thank you, thank you, bye now” they say walking doon the drive.

I shut the door confused thinking ‘that was a bit abrupt’ but more to the point, ‘Nice one’ I got shot of them. I decide to get me some orange juice from the fridge to cure the thirst from the previous nights exploits. So I heads to the kitchen & as there’s no Maw in sight...then no glass required, right oot the carton. AAAaaaaaah Magic Juicy goodness…..but that’s when things became clear.

As I drank, standing next to the washing machine I felt a sudden cold sharp shock “oooooh” it made me spill the juice down my T shirt. Now let’s just say the cold shock was due to me being a bit more at one with my zanussi friend……& there lay the bigger shock. I looked down & there out to say hello from the wee window in ma boxer shorts was......wee Marty. Yes folks the two wee Jehovahs had witnessed more than they bargained for. I stood there cringing imagining their vision of me in an Acid smiley T shirt reekin of booze, the Orb blastin out the bedroom & there on display...ma wully!

You’d be wrong in thinking that would be the end of it…oh no later that day I went down to my mates to sit out in the sun because he had an ‘empty’ (parents out) & his door goes but he’s on the toilet so he shouts on me to see who it is. I answer the door in a pair of Bermuda shorts & flip flops, my long hair (down to my shoulders) red raw from the sun looking a bit like a well skelpt Mogley from the jungle book. There standing in the doorway the same wee women from before. They’d worked their way through the day down to were my mate stayed & one of them says “Oh sorry we seen you earlier. Enjoy the rest of your day” and walked off. They didn’t half see me earlier.

For the record I would like to say I have nothing against the Jehovahs Witness religion I just don’t agree with religion being sold on my doorstep & to add I don’t like anything being sold to me on my doorstep. So don’t try selling coz I ain’t buying.

As for flashing it’s not for me. I find it a strange way of life, but that’s another blog & each to their own.

Take a left then second on the right & it's 80 miles doon the road.

A few years back I'm walking down Buchanan Street in search of lunch. It was summer & there was loads of tourists cuttin aboot.

I’m approached by 4 HUGE Americans & one of them is armed with a map. She asks “Excuse me, Hi there I was wondering if you could help us with some directions” so I says “sure no problem where is it your wanting to go?” & she leans in & shows me the map & says “well we were wondering if you could give us directions too OH – BAN?”. OBAN,…. OBAN…….WIT!!! Eh hullo who ama? David Urquhart!!!!