Hoalidays

We were the only family as far as I recall in the Gorbals to live in a council flat with a holiday home in Dunoon, an 8 berth static caravan in Newton Stewart & a boat on loch Lomond. Yup it’s summer holiday time…..Magic.

So am excited for the Hols but something I did the other day triggered all the old memories…..I whispered to my neighbour that I was off on holiday & if she wouldn’t mind keeping an eye on the house. Why the whisper?......You know why, because instilled in me by my mum & dad is the paranoia that every burglar is hiding in every dark corner taking notes of empty houses for his 5 finger discount data base.

See when I lived in the Gorbals as a kid you couldn’t just pack your suitcases, don the sombrero & wave a handkerchief to your friends and neighbours as you rolled off for 2 weeks of rain in Dunoon…no no!!

It was done with military precision. Rule one ‘no suitcases’. Suitcases were like placards saying “free telly & video at 16/25 Queen Lizzy Square”. So gradual filling of the car with plastic bags of food, clothes, blankets, pillows etc were moved while my sister kept an eye in case the burglar squad were on the prowl. So with the car packed & pre-journey toilet ritual done it was time for the off…just one last thing…..the lock down.

This envolved one of two procedures I like to call “The Big Dug shout” & the “Imaginary relative”. See what you did before the lock down was to pretend you had a big dug as you walked out the door with the ole “GET DOON BRUTAAS” or pretend there was someone still in the house “AYE RIGHT ANNA WE’LL NO BE LONG HEN BACK IN ABOOT AN ‘OOR”. Sneaky eh? If I was a burgalar I’d be well givin’ this hoose a miss…..COZ THEY’RE NUTS.

See my mums a good catholic so lyin’ didn’t come easy & to be honest she was getting no Oscars for this barmy act. I always thought if my mum was demented this is the way she would act constant.

So it’s the road trip, my dad blastin’ James Last’s version of Musical Youths “pass the Douche on the left hand side”. My mums riding shotgun looking directly ahead coz if she looks to the side she feels car sick. Me & my sis Elizabeth are in the back with pillows duvets & magazines. Sometimes if my other sisters or brother was coming on holiday with us we’d travel with them & my dad would ride his motorbike. I always remember my mum quizin’ my dad on arrival as to “what time did you leave Tommy??” at this point you could see my dad adding on an extra hour & a half so my mum wouldn’t sus out that he opened up the Honda & done a 3 hour car journey in 45 minutes on the bike.

So after road & CalMac Ferry it was HOLIDAYS yaaaas!!! I never have memories of rainy Hols to be honest & this was Scotland because we never done the ‘abroad’. Maybe my mind blocks the bad bits of the old holidays for my sanity.

Dunoon was great it was the 80’s & all the Americans were there serving their time on the Holy Loch base. I have memories of loads of huge guys with big voices & military police patrolling like in the movies. Some of the yanks had imported their cars so the odd muscle car would rumble down the street. I remember going to see Raiders of the Lost Ark in the pictures which was literally across the road & it was full to burstin’ with big American guys. But they all made a huge fuss of me & my two sisters and ushered us down the front buying me enough sweeties & popcorn to fill one of their submarines. During the film they were all clapping and cheerin’ on Harrison Ford. Talk about atmosphere…it was brilliant.

I remember learning to ride my first two wheeler bike at Dunoon while my dad filmed it on his Super 8 camera which always caused hilarity with the family cause when you watched it back there was me on ma wee bike, purple parka, yellow sweatshirt, national health specs in what could only be classed as controlled falling.

The Caravan was my favourite though. It was a big static in the middle of nowhere in Newton Stewart on a posh caravan site….well by the standards back then it was posh.
Now when I say posh I kina refer to the other folk on the site they were all middleclass wannabees. One funny incident that will never leave my mum thanks to the slagging she still gets to this day was when a few of my family were inside the caravan with all the windows open due to the hot weather. Outside is my mum chatting to some woman with a wee dug that my two dogs Heather & Meg had taken a serious disliking too. We were chatting but noseyin’ in on the chat outside because my mum had adopted this sorta really bad kelvinside accent that Dorothy Paul would be proud of. They were discussing how people just let they’re dogs roam around the caravan park which was against the parks rules. During this “awfully pleasant conversation” my mum messes up her Lady McCue persona by saying “oh yes I agree that’s why I always keep the dog on the lead” now she never said “lead” as in the dog sense she said “lead” as in the heavy metal. Well there’s us in the caravan grabbing cushions so we could burry our laughter. My mum has never donned that persona since & we never let her forget it.

I remember catching my first fish in one of the three Lochs & some man having to help me reel it in & this is no big fish tale, I’d caught a pike. Once I clocked the teeth on it I was off like a shot, dropped the rod the lot “WaaaaaaaaaH”. I also remember one caravan trip being woken at 3 in the morning with my cousin screaming “HELP I’VE PEE’D RICE KRISPIES”. She didn’t really, just my other cousin didn’t finish his cereal & tossed it down the toilet but in the dark my cousin thought she’d somehow managed to become a Kellogg’s factory. Everyone was raging but to me then a 9 year old boy this is hysterical & ‘snap crackle & pop’ was that holidays patter.

Well I better get packing for my hols….When? You ask, aye like am tellin’ you so you can come roon a bump ma telly!!!

So if your going on Holiday be sure pack your plastic bags. Remember to give big Bruno a bone before you go & leave a light on. Oh & don’t tell wee Mrs Stevenson your going away cause her boys a Junkie & he’ll be aff way yer telly & video as soon as arse hits the car seat.

Bon Voyage folks.